Thursday 19. January 2012
You chose the path you’ve embarked upon! So one might
think or even say to your mum or dad when speaking of the “misery of life”.
Many times it might be used as an off-the-cuff joke, but the words can be
surprisingly hurtful. We cannot always choose what parenthood brings with it.
Today I had a good day. I woke up in relatively high
spirits and perky for the new morning. To celebrate the wintery day, I took the
children to day care on their toboggan. Exceptionally I also picked them up in
the afternoon as my husband working late that night. Together with the children
we managed to do the groceries without additional choler, together we decided
upon a dessert in honour of Thursday and daily routines. We journeyed on to
home on the toboggan and stayed to slide downhill for a good few runs on the
toboggan; we were in no hurry. Housework left undone has got done on its own
before (no matter how I might hope it would) and would not disappear this time
either. Quick warm up of evening meal, kids shows on the television, building
with legos. I was enjoying mum’s-own-time on the computer. After a light night
snack and brushing teeth it was time for bed, and for nightly story time. A
short moment later the children were fast asleep.
I felt incredible and happy that a good day was
successful wrapped. Good mood had held on all day. Time and energy was not
wasted in testing my own condition. In pondering how can I bear and survive
another day, the next hour or even the next minute. I don’t anymore need to
think if I have to take a sedative to hold myself in one piece. Or I didn’t
spend time worrying how the medication would impact the child I was
breast-feeding. No more do I spend time worrying bursting to cry in some
inappropriate moment or location. I am no longer afraid of lonely moments and
evenings alone with the children when my husband is at work. I know I can go
through the day, even sometimes angry or tired, without those emotions being
the centre points of my whole existence, masking my ability to function.
I chose to have a family and my children. Even in
school when other girls dreamt of careers as doctors or teachers, I dreamt of
being a mother. Motherhood is my choice and I am forever grateful of my chosen
career path. My choice, however, was not to be burdened with exhaustion,
depression or anguish. No, I did not choose them. I also could not fathom that
they would be spin-offs of motherhood, nor did or could my husband expect it. I
have many times put guilt on myself or whipped myself for having made this
choice of being a mother, so I must also bear whatever comes with it. I have
endured the joys of motherhood but I almost could not tolerate or abide to the
demands of the illness. Many times these two unavoidably got intermixed. Of
course motherhood and being a parent is not a walk in the park or
straightforward. The illness, however, inescapably add to the burden, and it is
unconscionable to claim that one would be expected to bear that as well,
without a whine.
My getting ill and my healing have taught me so much
that I am not all too sure whether I would give that away or change any of it,
if I could. Maybe it just did not need to be that very thorny as it was…
With great enjoyment of my motherhood and daily
routines I’m off to bed!
Translated by Aija Oksman
Photography by Saila & Timo Turkka
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