Moments past where life caused pain. When the pain was so overpowering that you would fear you could die. The bad feeling inside so huge, so powerful, almost explosive. Mental anguish and ache is almost impossible to explain. All that which is unreal, floating and heaving. As if a giant fist is squeezing you to pieces, holding you tight. Those moments when only thing you can muster is crying, shaking and fearing if you can bear any more, any longer.
It is sad and painful to realise today how utterly broken I was then. How absolutely sick I was. It is in all logic incomprehensible how anyone could live with all that pain and ache. How even eating is an insurmountable exertion. How completely you can forget yourself or stop caring about yourself and your own well-being. How the hatred inside of you turns against your, how you wish to be hurt, because you are bad and useless. Absolutely worthless and a failure in everything.
Despite all the pain and being broken I still move forward. I recuperate and heal. The road to recovery continues still but I have made good way. Stability and self-knowledge is a skill you need to learn on the road to recovery. I make my path with curiosity for what will come. Moving towards a happier future.
Today I rejoice and enjoy a pain free life. I wonder the functioning concentration, the ability to learn. I wonder every day how I have really been able to heal and recover. There were times I could not believe in my own recovery. I had no strength to believe the words people said to me, them saying I will get better. I found joy and happiness back into my life. I learned to love and enjoy my life. To appreciate and even like myself, more than I had before. I am good, I am good enough!
Translated by Aija Oksman
Photography by Saila & Timo Turkka