Thursday 19. January 2012
You chose the path you’ve embarked upon! So one might think or even say to your mum or dad when speaking of the “misery of life”. Many times it might be used as an off-the-cuff joke, but the words can be surprisingly hurtful. We cannot always choose what parenthood brings with it.
Today I had a good day. I woke up in relatively high spirits and perky for the new morning. To celebrate the wintery day, I took the children to day care on their toboggan. Exceptionally I also picked them up in the afternoon as my husband working late that night. Together with the children we managed to do the groceries without additional choler, together we decided upon a dessert in honour of Thursday and daily routines. We journeyed on to home on the toboggan and stayed to slide downhill for a good few runs on the toboggan; we were in no hurry. Housework left undone has got done on its own before (no matter how I might hope it would) and would not disappear this time either. Quick warm up of evening meal, kids shows on the television, building with legos. I was enjoying mum’s-own-time on the computer. After a light night snack and brushing teeth it was time for bed, and for nightly story time. A short moment later the children were fast asleep.
I felt incredible and happy that a good day was successful wrapped. Good mood had held on all day. Time and energy was not wasted in testing my own condition. In pondering how can I bear and survive another day, the next hour or even the next minute. I don’t anymore need to think if I have to take a sedative to hold myself in one piece. Or I didn’t spend time worrying how the medication would impact the child I was breast-feeding. No more do I spend time worrying bursting to cry in some inappropriate moment or location. I am no longer afraid of lonely moments and evenings alone with the children when my husband is at work. I know I can go through the day, even sometimes angry or tired, without those emotions being the centre points of my whole existence, masking my ability to function.
I chose to have a family and my children. Even in school when other girls dreamt of careers as doctors or teachers, I dreamt of being a mother. Motherhood is my choice and I am forever grateful of my chosen career path. My choice, however, was not to be burdened with exhaustion, depression or anguish. No, I did not choose them. I also could not fathom that they would be spin-offs of motherhood, nor did or could my husband expect it. I have many times put guilt on myself or whipped myself for having made this choice of being a mother, so I must also bear whatever comes with it. I have endured the joys of motherhood but I almost could not tolerate or abide to the demands of the illness. Many times these two unavoidably got intermixed. Of course motherhood and being a parent is not a walk in the park or straightforward. The illness, however, inescapably add to the burden, and it is unconscionable to claim that one would be expected to bear that as well, without a whine.
My getting ill and my healing have taught me so much that I am not all too sure whether I would give that away or change any of it, if I could. Maybe it just did not need to be that very thorny as it was…
With great enjoyment of my motherhood and daily routines I’m off to bed!
Translated by Aija Oksman
Photography by Saila & Timo Turkka